Scarlet Devil Mansion Survival Manual
by poweredtoenail
Summary: How do you pour tea with the grace of a swan? What do you do when the resident librarian asks to use you as a guinea pig? And most important, what do you do when the head maid is out and the mistress is going through a charisma break? This and more inside.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: So this is my all new story that I plan to sick with for a while.**

**R/N: Is that not what you said about the last one?**

**A/N: Quiet.**

**R/N: And all the unpublished stories on your hard drive.**

**A/N: Can we start the story already?**

**R/N: You are forgetting something~**

**A/N: I don't own anything except my three original characters. Can we start now?**

**R/N: Yes.**

Deep inside a large mansion, in a rather large room sat a heavily decorated gold throne. On the wall behind a very old portrait of a blue haired girl in a pink dress with a incredibly bored expression. Scarlet drapes hung on either side of it giving the appearance of an alcove. On the throne sat that very same girl wearing that very same expression. She sank down onto her throne waiting for everyone to take their positions.

"We rehearsed this yesterday, why is it taking so long?" she spoke in a very irritated voice. To her left and right stood her family, friend and most trusted servants. Lining up on either side of the large red carpet leading to the grand doors on the other end of the room were the numerous maids. So carefree in their actions they bumbled around for the better part of an hour until finally they took their positions.

The mistress of the house stood in front of her throne. She cleared her throat and in a commanding voice spoke.

"Enter," the doors across from her opened on their own to reveal three girls. Two sitting on the floor chatting and the third asleep next to them.

"Ahem," the mistress cleared her throat again and made her presence known. The two girls looked around to see the doors open. They quickly stood up and lifted their friend off the floor. They walked her like she had a broken leg. By the time they reached the foot of the throne their friend had left dreamland and walked on her own.

"State your names." The mistress ordered.

"Itsuko Nakamura," spoke the first. She ran her fingers though her long black hair.

"Rei Ibi," spoke the sleeper examining her brown ponytail.

"Misako Ibi," spoke the shyest of the group. She had her hands in front of her and her face beet red.

The mistress looked over the three carefully, "Seeing as how you three," she began to pace in front of her throne, "are the only ones to answer the ad and appear here today. I have no choice but to hire you all without an interview." The head maid who stood behind her at that moment shifted her weight slightly. The mistress spread her wings and took flight.

"Welcome to the Scarlet Devil Mansion. I am the mistress, Remillia Scarlet. Descend... daughter of Vladimir Tepes." Remillia hovered in midair with her arms out. "To my right are your superiors, head maid Sakuya Izayoi and gate guard Meilling Hong." Meilling smiled at the girls. "To my left are the residents, my sister Flandre and friend Patchouli." Flandre had a certain gleam in her eye when she looked at the newcomers and Patchouli regarded the three as rats. If no one has anything to add," she looked around the room, "I declare this welcome ceremony closed. Sakuya please show the new maids to their quarters and explain their duties."

With that everyone filed out of the room and returned to their lives leaving the three girls a bit confused when Sakuya appeared in front of the three, scaring them a bit.

"This way please." she led them through a side door, several corridors, a theater, several more corridors and stopped at a hallway that ended with a door.

"This will be your room, we prepared for a much larger group but only you three showed up. I hope the room isn't too big. As for your duties, you are to rest tonight and will begin work in the morning. You will also need these." She handed the group a large book and a map from seemingly nowhere. "Read the book, try not to separate, keep those items on you at all times and you will be paid accordingly at the end of each month. If you find that you do not like working here feel free to leave at any time. Any questions?"

"What exactly will we be doing?" Itsuko spoke up.

"Read the book, I must attend to the mistress. I will return in the morning." Sakuya disappeared without a trace.

"Weird, let's look at our room?" Rei perked up.

They entered the room surprised to find ten beds lined up across one wall.

"How many people did they expect to answer the add," Itsuko said to no one in particular.

The room also contained a fully stocked kitchen, dining table and three bathrooms. Each bed had a chest at the foot and drawers underneath.

"How is this place so big?" Misako asked herself.

"Hey, look at the book she gave us." Misako held it up for the group to see. It was a largish leather book with a chain attached to the spine and two bat wing clasps holding it shut. SDM Survival Guide By: Sakuya Izayoi and Illustrated by Remillia Scarlet written on the cover and a cartoon Remillia head under it, the other two girls raised their eyebrows at it.

"Get a job they said. Answer the ad they said. Take your sister they said." Rei thumped around the room.

"Maybe it's just a joke? What does it say Misako?" Itsuko asked.

She flipped through some of the pages, "How to serve tea, how to dust stone, what to use on different stains."

"That doesn't sound so bad..."

"How to treat Master Spark burns, what to do when Patchouli sets loose an eldritch horror, what to make for dinner on the full moon in September when it's humid with a clear sky and...

"We get it." Rei interrupted, "What does it say on the first page?"

Misako flipped the book over, "An Explanation of your duties: As humans, you are smarter than our current maids who are fairies. As such we expect you to be able to do more complex work. You are to maintain the mansion to the best of your abilities. This book will tell how to do that and the maps you received shows each of your jurisdiction."

Itsuko unfolded the map, "How do they expect us to keep all this clean?" she dropped the map on the floor.

Misako continued to read, "Each room is numbered and labeled. These maps are not exhaustive so feel free to expand the map as needed." Next to the explanation was a cartoon picture of Sakuya with her eyes scrunched and giving a thumbs up.

"There's over three-hundred rooms on this map. Did this place look that big from the outside?" Rei began to freak out.

"We were supposed to share our duties with seven more people. Lets sleep on it tonight and we'll see how we feel in the morning. If we don't like it we'll leave together." Itsuko tried to calm her friend down.

"Okay, I guess everyone should pick a bed than," Rei told her friends and off to bed they went.

**A/N: Thank you for reading. Tell me what you thought by clicking the review button. I had a lot of fun writing this. If you enjoyed it expect more and if you didn't move on. Bye-bye.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Yay I made it to chapter two.**

**R/N: Took you long enough.**

**A/N: Yeah yeah yeah.**

**R/N: Dear readers he is trying to play off his procrastination.**

**A/N: Hey Remillia I think your new servants are doing something funny.**

**R/N: Where?**

* * *

Itsuko woke first. Rubbing sleep from her eyes she got out bed to prepare for the day. Next Misako woke and finally Rei woke.

"Good morning," Misako greeted her sister.

"Ugh~" Rei dragged herself to a washroom.

When they exited the washrooms they found a rack sitting in the center of the room. Brand new maid uniforms, impeccably ironed and starched hung from it.

"I guess these are what we're supposed to wear." Itsuko stated the obvious.

"It's too early." Rei whined.

Misako cracked open the book to look for special instructions, "Uniforms. Your uniforms are to be worn at all times while on duty. Keep them as clean as possible." Next to this was a picture of a head band on a pillow.

"Simple," Itsuko passed here friends a uniform.

"One more thing," Misako began to read, "Headbands are a sign of rank. The more frills one has the higher the rank."

Rei looked around for hers and found none, "Guess were at rock bottom."

"More like there's ten feet of dirt and then us." Itsuko piped in.

Once they got dress and made themselves a meager breakfast they decided to set out.

"Hey what's this?" Rei pulled a piece of paper off the door. "Urgent duties for the day: Clean Washroom #28. Warning: Has not been cleaned in twelve years due to experiment gone wrong."

"Let's get started than. Where's the map?" Itsuko led the group into the hallway.

"There's a supply closet on the way if we go that way," Misako pointed.

They made their way to said closet collected necessary equipment, greeted several fairy maids and reached Washroom #28.

"Who wants to do the honors." Rei asked.

"I pushed the cart and Misako led the way so you do it."

Rei cringed. She turned the knob and forced the door open. Washroom #28 was supposed to be large red room with a bathtub in the center and mirrors covering two walls but the girls could not see the floor though due to the ankle deep dust and the mirrors were splattered with a thick dark fluid, not to mention the incredible stench flooding into the hallway.

"What happened in here?" Rei looked a bit shocked.

"Looks like someone died." Itsuko entered the room.

"According to the Legends of the SDM section. Lady Patchouli tried make a human but something went wrong and the room was condemned." Misako stated.

"Great and they send us to clean up the mess. Everyone be careful." Rei complained. They searched the room for any signs of movement stopping at the bathtub. Thick red-black fluid filled it to the brim.

"What is that?" Misako wanted to stick her finger in it but her sister stopped her.

"Don't do that where's a broom." Itsuko handed Rei a broom. She poked it into the liquid and swirled it around when a skull floated to the surface and screams filled the room. Right outside the door they collected themselves and made a huddle

"I'll clean the tub," Rei bravely volunteered herself, "it looks like that tub has a drain," she looked at the side of the tub, "one of you do the mirrors and one does the floors."

"Sounds good." the others answered.

"Break."

They forced the cart of supplies into the room despite the dust. Rei looked at the tub like an old enemy while Itsuko began creating a mountain with the dust and Misako began to mop the mirrors. Rei used the broom handle to try to remove the drain plug but to no avail. She gulped down some air and covered her eyes with one hand and plunged her arm into the fluid.

"Ew, this is disgusting. It's all gooey," She fished around until she found it and pulled, "got it."

The liquid slowly drained away to who knows where, leaving Rei to wipe the fluid off her arm. Misako soon finished her task and joined her sister. Itsuko on the other hand, had no idea what to do with so much dust.

"Let's help her bag it all." Thirty-two bags later they all sat on the ground exhausted.

"How's the tub," Itsuko asked.

Rei peered over the edge and groaned, "It's plugged."

The liquid stopped at a third of the way down and several objects floated in the liquid.

"Who wants to stick their hand down there?" Rei offered.

"No thanks."

"All yours."

Rei grudgingly plunged her hand back into the liquid. She pulled out a globs of hair some blue, some purple and some silver.

"Hello," a several fairies entered the room, "We are here to take over and give you this message."

Rei turned around now covered in the liquid. Itsuko took the message, "Please report to Meiling in the courtyard."

And so they left the room. Rei decided not to bother with cleaning herself so it turned into a sort of crust and Itsuko and Misako did their best to keep their stomachs despite the smell. Outside they were met sunlight, a slight breeze and Meiling breaking a youkai's skull. She turned around to meet the girls.

"Hey, just though I'd save you from Patchouli. Right about now she's probably yelling at a maid to be careful with that skull," Meiling walked toward the girls.

The girls just stood quietly.

"Relax you're with me right now."

"How did you know about the..." Misako started.

"Well I can sense chi and that particular chi has been there a long time. I take it no one has explained much to you yet." Meiling sat on the floor.

The girls just nodded.

"Sit," she tapped the ground next to her, "As your fellow coworker I will answer a question that you have."

Rei raised her hand.

"Yes,"

"The head maid, yesterday she kept appearing and disappearing. How does she do that?"

"Don't mind her too much that's her nature as a time manipulator. I know sometimes it seems like she has stick up her butt but that's just because she's so close to the mistress. She also the reason why the mansion is so big, she can also manipulate space."

"That's a bit more than I wanted but still helpful." Rei replied.

"Now I must ask you all a question." Meiling's usual demeanor turned serious, "You are from the human village yes?"

The servants nodded.

"Have ever seen a catfish the size of a house?"

They shook their heads.

"Does the name Taisui Xingjun sound familiar."

The girls shook their heads again.

"Good, if you ever see or hear about those things let me know right away." Meiling relaxed again.

"Is Meiling telling stories again?" A voice spoke from behind Meiling. The group froze. Sakuya stood with her arms folded looking down at the group.

"I thought you were going to make them work?" Sakuya scolded.

"Well you see..." Meiling began twiddling her thumbs, "go... weed those plants," she pointed in some random direction.

"Yes ma'am," they tried to move as fast as possible.

"..." Sakuya glared at the guard.

"I just wanted to have a chat with them. If you want to do something about that than do it," Meiling tried to call her bluff.

"..." Sakuya narrowed her eyes than disappeared.

"Whew..." Meiling let her head fall, "where did you all go?" she looked around for the humans.

After a light search she found the three in a next to a rose bush chatting with a person on a broom.

"You're not welcome here." Meiling yelled.

"Huh," the girl turned as she was tackled off her broom.

"Leave the mansion grounds at once."

"Hey, hey, hey, I was just saying hi to your new maids." the girl brushed herself off and fixed her hat.

"How did you know about that, Marisa."

"It's not every day that three human walk from the human village to the Scarlet Devil Mansion, not to mention it's all over the news." Marisa tossed a newspaper to Meiling who scrunched her eyebrows.

"The mistress will like that the mansion is in the news again."

"How is Patchouli doing today?"

"She won't be in the library today. She's busy collecting one of her old experiments but that doesn't mean I'm going to let you in."

"We'll see about that."

All the while the girls watched the exchange.

"Flower Sign: Selaginella 9."Bright colors radiated out of Meiling.

"Pretty colors." The girls said in unison.

"Love Sign: Master Spark." Marisa fired a gigantic laser at the guard.

"Wa-was that- what the book was talking about?" Itsuko freaked out.

Misako nodded in agreement.

"I think it's time for us to leave." Rei began pulling the other two away from the escalating battle. Up on one of the few balconies, under the safety of an umbrella, Remillia enjoyed a cup of tea. Looking rather amused at the show below she spoke to the maid, "Make sure doesn't have any problems inside the mansion."

"Yes, my lady. Can I get you anything else?"

"Take a picture of Patchouli when she finds out her books have been stolen again. Her angry face is quite amusing."

* * *

**A/N: Hope you enjoyed this. I wish everyone a happy holiday.**

**R/N: He is just going to use that time to stuff his face.**

**A/N: Hey whats that? *point***

**R/N: What? *turns***

**A/N: *kick***


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:Hello everyone back again with another chapter. Remilia's busy right now so I'll talk to... Suika. Say hi to the readers.**

**S/N: Hello all.**

**A/N:Any parties lately.**

**S/N: Yeah Youkai Mountain. Say I'm not in this story.**

**A/N: I know, you were just the first person to come to mind**

**S/N: Want a drink?**

**A/N: I'll pass.**

**S/N: Your loss.**

It was a dark and stormy night, at least over the mansion it was. Rain poured and thunder cracked the sky around the mansion. Meiling moved from her usual spot to the steps of the mansion taking cover with an umbrella. Inside the mansion the newest maids did their best to calm the mistress.

"Woe is me." Remilia kept repeating to herself. She sat in her bed looking rather disheveled.

"Please tell me what is wrong?" Misako tried to ask, "tea is on the way."

"Woe is me. It's that time of the month again." the mistress whined.

"Wha-" Rei said as she entered carrying a tray followed by Itsuko carrying another.

"Is that a-" Itsuko started.

"It is the Maid's Summit." Remilia shook Misako by the shoulders, "Every month Sakuya holds a poker game with the other servants and I never get invited. I've always wanted to know what they talk about."

Rei and Itsuko shared a glance.

"Why don't you just ask?" Rei asked.

"I have but Sakuya just says what I want to hear." Remilia sat in a chair nearly knocking it over.

"I-is there anything we can do?" Misako spoke up.

"Well," Remilia sat up instantly, all signs of previous anguish gone, "if someone were to say, infiltrate said poker game and relay their conversations back to me, I think there would be a considerable reward for those involved." Remilia finished by clasping her hands. Piquing Rei's interest, she volunteered the the group.

"What do we have to do?" Rei asked.

Remilia walked to her dresser, "Meet Meiling outside and tell her: Remilia wants an ear in the wall. She will know what you are talking about and take these between Meiling and Marisa we treat enough head injuries," she passed each girl a helmet. Simple yellow with a green cross on the front.

"Let's go." Rei pointed to the door. With that they filed out into the hallway.

"Are you sure this is wise?" Itsuko looked at Rei, "Sakuya is our boss."

"Don't worry. This order came straight from the top. What is the worst that can happen?" Rei crossed her hands behind her hand.

They soon found themselves outside just in time to see Meiling chatting with a red haired woman wielding a scythe.

"If you go to the other side of the lake there's a little hideout in a bush patch you can sleep in. Just don't disturb anyone inside." Meiling pointed out the general direction.

"Thanks," the other woman walked off.

"Excuse me miss," Rei hesitated.

"Call me Meiling there's no need for formality."

"Remilia wants an ear in the wall." Itsuko spoke.

"I... see... So you're the latest victims."

"What do you mean?" Misako sounded worried.

"She does this every month. Last month she hired that witch and the month before she hired that shrine maiden. Looks like she's getting desperate. No one has ever been successful in infiltrating the Maid's Summit." Meiling put her in her hand.

"Why?" Rei asked.

"Simple, their abilities. Time control, wicked blade skills, an army of mice and a ravenous shikigami makes it really hard to even get to the door without them knowing." Meiling shivered.

"Rei what did you get us into?" the air around Itsuko dropped several degrees.

"We already accepted, we might as well try." Rei countered.

Deep in an unused part of the mansion they gathered. They picked their seats around a large round table. It was a particularly old table dating back to the mansion's construction but sturdy nonetheless. In the center sat various snacks and drinks to please everyone. Sakuya took the seat farthest from the door.

"So what kind of people are at this Maid's Summit." Misako asked their guide Meiling.

"Well, there's Koakuma from the library, a fox named Ran, a gardener from the netherworld named Youmu, a maid from another mansion named Yumeko, a mouse named Nazrin, a monk named Futo, and I think there supposed to be accepting a new member today but I don't know who it is. The one you really have to watch out for though is Koakuma. In a danmaku fight she isn't much of a problem but when she turns on the charm not even women can resist her." Meiling told the group.

"Sounds like a really colorful group." Rei answered.

"Quiet," Meiling stopped the group.

In the summit the games began.

"I'll call and raise you your mistresses three sizes." Sakuya challenged Ran who scrunched her eyebrows.

"Fine."

"I'm out," Youmu dropped her cards.

"We have visitors." Nazrin let a mouse climb up her leg.

"Maybe it's the new new member." Yumeko answered.

"No, intruders. Four."

"Chen go deal with them." Ran ordered.

"Yes, Master." She ran out of the room on all fours.

Meanwhile at the front gate.

Marisa walked through the front gate, "Anyone home?" she yelled at the mansion, "Oh, well." she strolled though the front door.

Back in the hallways Meiling and Chen fought hand-to-hand thanks to water from a nearby washroom. With a bone-breaking punch to the face Meiling knocked out the cat.

"Tie her up." Itsuko ordered.

They threw her into a supply closet and moved on without a hitch.

At the summit the games continued.

"Our next game will be roulette so everyone place your bets." Koakuma placed a wheel on the table.

"Two pairs of bloomers on black." Nazrin called.

"Looks like a high roller," Futo teased.

"Quiet cross dresser," Nazrin fired back.

Futo's eyes went wide, "You..."

"What? I'll take you on anytime."Nazrin looked pretty smug.

"Calm down you two," Youmu tried to diffuse the situation, "What's going on with the intruders?"

Nazrin picked up one of her mice, "Chen has been defeated."

"Who wants to deal with the problem this time?" Sakuya asked the group.

"I say Youmu does it," Futo offered.

"What do you say?"

"Okay," Youmu picked up her swords and left the room.

Meiling and company reach a wide room with a grand staircase.

"Where are we? We're not on the map anymore." Misako asked Meiling.

"We are in the outskirts of the old mansion or at least the first level of it." Meiling's voice turned serious, "A few more rooms and we'll be there."

"No you won't" a voice spoke out in the darkness.

"Who's there. Shoot and I'll move." Meiling yelled.

A light glow filled the room from the top of the stairs and the sound of a blade cut through the air.

"200 Yojana in 1 Slash," in a flash of light Youmu slashed Itsuko, Rei, Misako, and narrowly missed Meiling.

"Take them and leave," Youmu pointed to the unconscious girls, "And here is something for Miss Scarlet." She tossed Meiling a bundle of cloth from her pocket.

Inside the library Marisa walked down a particularly dusty aisle when something caught her eye.

Misako woke first, "where am I?"

"Don't move you're hurt." Meiling wiped the girl's head with a rag, "We ran into a problem and had to come back. We're lucky Youmu is a good swordsman or you'd all be dead."

"What happened?" Rei shot up in her bed, "Agh," she fell back down in pain.

"Wha... Whe..." Itsuko woke up.

"You were all slashed." Remilia decided to make herself known, "I commend your effort but you were ultimately unsuccessful."

"I manage to get this." Meiling handed Remilia a balled piece of cloth.

"What is-" it uncurled, "these are mine." she held up a pair of her own underwear.

Just at that moment an explosion rocked the mansion.

"MARISA!" a voice yelled with unbridled fury.

"Whoops," was her only answer. She hopped on her broom and tried to escape only to be met by a pair of golems.

"New trick? Here's an old one, Master Spark." she held onto her hat as she vaporized the book monster.

"Return that book," Patchouli pointed.

"You can have it back when I die. Stardust Reverie.

"Agni Shrine."

**A/N: So how was that? There wasn't much of the book this time but next time I something planned. I just had a bad itch to write something involving a Maid's Summit**

**R/N: …**

**A/N: What?**

**R/N: I still want to know what they do in there. *glare***

**A/N: What's that look for? *backs away***

**R/N: I apologize dear readers but I must to speak to the author about recent events. So please excuse us. *summons Gungnir***

**A/N: Help me.**


End file.
